Hello Little Men ,

Champs as you know I have been writing to you both each night since 20 April 2013 , until 6 Dec those letter have gone to your private email accounts I created for you , why did I start writing that night ? Not sure to be honest if memory serves me right I got home at around 8 pm for work , the house empty but all your stuff was still in your playroom neatly packed away as it was each night after you both had gone to bed , i remember standing in the door of the playroom thinking you must be in bed already and I think at that moment it hit me that you were not upstairs in your beds and that you would never be again , I remember sitting on the floor in the playroom pushing the trains on the big table train set you both loved so much not thinking , it was as if the world had stopped for I don’t know it could have been minutes or hours , not sure , I then remember getting up thinking I need to go check on you , as I walked up the stairs the house was dark , the fish night light off and not a sound , I recall standing at the baby gate at your door and my arm would not work to turn on the light as if I was scared I might wake you , I walked to my room across the hall and sat down on the bed in the dark , I recall thinking to myself ‘ they are gone’

Not sure how long I sat there in the dark before I went down to fetch my computer as I needed , wanted , had to talk to you both , the only way I could think of doing that was to start writing , thus I created the email accounts and moved back to your room , turned the light on , I still see the room as it stood , as if the cleaner had just been in and you both were playing in the playroom , beds made , pillows in place , bears displayed , books and things all in there place , I turned the fish light on and started writing to you both , I recall the flood of tears being so heavy I had to stop a couple of times to wipe my face , since that night I sat on the floor in that nursery each night and wrote to you both , I have not read any of those emails since but they were about so many things , what it’s , what if not’s , maybes , maybe not and much more …..

I guess for me from that night it was my way of being able to spend a couple of minutes each day with you , but I think I have come to realise that 16 months later it did not help me , you will most properly never get to read it or be able to understand it , and I think now it just causes me hurt and nightmares each day having to relive this ordeal , so I hope you both will understand but it’s time for me to take a break , how long you might ask ? I don’t know , maybe permanent , maybe a couple of weeks I guess time will tell….

I wanted to post this picture below for you both , please always remember this ;

Just always know no matter what I love you with all my heart and sole …always , and will always be under our big old green tree in dreamland if you want to stop in for a cuddle and to say hello 🙂

So my Little O’s I will see you when I see you if I see you ……..

Love you both more than I can ever try and describe in words and miss you so much more …..stay safe , be happy life is for living , having fun and plenty of giggles always ….

Dad xx