Dear President Obama,
I wanted to inform you that under our present laws if Michelle files a restraining order against you and accuses you of domestic violence, which could simply be you throwing your Obamacare files across the room after a long day at the oval office, that you stand to lose a lot of freedoms you purport to protect. First you will be forced to leave the White House. The Secret Service will probably be there to allow you to collect some of your things but not everything that is legally yours. Your beautiful girls will only be allowed to be around you during supervised visits, this will most likely be twice a week at the local YMCA or kids museum. Be sure to save up some money because your visits will cost about $50 an hour. You also will be forced to pay child support without anyone asking if you even threw that damn Obamacare file. You will need to hire a good lawyer to fight the charges against you as well. Most lawyers ask for a $5000 retainer to start, then they will take monthly payments. You also need to turn in your passport. I know this may be tricky as you do so much work overseas but the law is the law Barack. Also, no more shooting clay pigeons at Camp David, you’ll be required to turn in your firearms once you are served with your restraining order.

Be prepared my friend, because on top of your mounting legal bills, supervised visit fees and trying to find a room to rent or a couch to sleep on, the real pain will start to settle in. You will no longer be around your kids who you have worked so hard to protect all these years. You won’t know which boyfriend Michelle has at your old house or who is taking care of your kids. You may wonder if they are happy and healthy or what the report card said but sadly you will be at Michelle’s mercy to either include you or alienate you from their lives. Get some tissues Barack, because about a month after you are forced from the White House you will realize emotional pain hurts far worse than those pesky Republicans bad mouthing your healthcare laws. You will cry, a lot. Be prepared for a long battle Mr. President, as there will be continuations in court, mediation sessions and settlement conferences all before you can even tell your side of the story. I know it probably sounds crazy all this happening to you. You probably feel blindsided by it. You probably thought you actually have rights and most likely you didn’t know all this could happen to you without due process. Perhaps your lawyer friends could head to Philadelphia and reread the Constitution to doublecheck and make sure you’re not missing something. You may want to get your pal Mr. Biden to bring you a copy of the VAWA act as well, this is what got you into this mess to begin with, Barack. Please don’t take it out on Mr. Biden, as you may need to sleep on his couch because the lawyer fees and supervised visits and support payments are astronomically high and you need to pinch pennies. Peanut butter and Ramen noodles are you near Staples of nutrition. No more personal chef, Michelle gets to keep him too.

I’m sorry Mr. Pres., I know it all seems so crazy that in a supposed free country all your rights are stripped away and nobody cares about what really happened or if maybe, just maybe, Michelle was actually abusing you for years but you were too afraid to speak up. We all know men who are victims of abuse have little to no resources, no shelters to go to, no violence against men act, the police don’t believe you and your buddies at work may ridicule you if you tell them that Michelle has been abusing you at the White House while the Secret Service was right outside your door. I am sorry you are in this situation Mr. President, hopefully when the dust settles you can have your kids every other weekend and a week during the summer. I know you did everything to protect them and now barely get to see them. You’ll most likely become a Disney dad now Barack, sorry you can’t do homework with them or wake up with them or be an active participant in their lives. Hopefully you will be one of the lucky ones and Michelle won’t alienate the kids from you, bad mouthing you to her high-class friends an telling the kids what a loser you are. Welcome to our club Barack, though its not a club anyone wants to be a part of or could have imagined even existed in their wildest dreams. My best advice to you is stand up for your rights, maybe talk to Biden about fixing his biased VAWA act. Tell the girls you love them as much as you can. Maybe someday they will know you always wanted to be in their lives but an unjust and corrupt system kept you from them.

Sincerely,

Joseph Makem