Subject: 29 Sept 2013
> From: phillferreira@xxxxxxxxx
> Date: Sun, 29 Sep 2013 15:31:04 +0100
> To: <a href="mailto:.ferreira0511@xxxxxxxxx"ferreira0511@xxxxxxxxx; .ferreira2011@xxxxxxxxx
>
> Hello my little men,
>
> How are you two doing today , I hope better than me ….
>
> Been getting the last bits of the house ready for the movers to pack on Tuesday … Boys I have been so heart broken and emotional today , don’t think I have ever felt like this , I guess it will just get worse this week knowing that I have to leave on Saturday ….. Boys I know I have said it many times before but I am so sorry that I will not be a full time part of your live , but I guess that is what mum always wanted , I don’t know …. Still not sure I am doing the right thing …. I hope I am and that some time and distance will move things forward for us in a positive manner…
>
> I know I have not seen you much because mum did not allow me to but at least I knew where 3 where in the same country and from next week that all will change , I know it means nothing to you both now but it really scares me knowing that you two might not understand it all one day and that you will blame me …… Just know you two are my all and will always be how ever hard that might be for me should you chose to turn your backs on me , I will always be waiting and longing to get to know you both again and be a positive part of your lives if you want me to be , but I will never force it boys no matter how much I would want to be your Dad , that decision will be yours one day when you are ready ….
>
> I know you two will get on with your growing up and Dad will just be a word to you both and I will be just a person you might see some old photos of just please remember that is not how I wanted it to be , but this is not in my hands … Mum is controlling this in a not so good manner but I am sure she has her reasons , I might never understand or know why … Maybe you two will…
>
> Sorry I am so emotional today , just really broken boys , and am not sure if or how I will ever be able to fix myself again , don’t think I ever will , your place in my heart will always bring back this pain and heartache …. My burden to carry for the rest of my life , don’t think I will ever be a whole person again as 2 parts of me are missing and will never be able to be replaced…..
>
> I hope you two will have a fantastic week at school and with all the fun things you might do !
>
> Boys I miss and love you both so , so very much…..
>
> I hope to see you both again tonight under our big old green tree in dream land , hope I can get some double little O dream cuddles and smiles …
>
> Nite , nite , sweet happy little boy dreams …
>
> Love you both with all my heart and sole ….
>
> Love you Champs …
>
> Dad xx
>